Saturday, June 29, 2013

To Save Herself, She Bit the Cop on the Leg


Kathleen Kaska

            I’m not a newspaper reader, never have been. But my husband more than makes up for it in our household. Since he discovered the pleasures of reading newspapers online, he now keeps tabs on dozens of small towns we fell in love with while on our cross-country trip a couple of years ago. I know the latest happenings in Rockport, Alpine, and Palacios, Texas, Marblehead, Massachutes, Cedar Key and Apalachola, Florida, and Nags Head, North Caroline, just to name a few. We find out who’s doing what and where. But the most entertaining reads come from the police blotters. And I realized these brief bits of bizarre news offer a wellspring of ideas for mystery writers.
            I imagine what fun the police detectives must have crafting these reports. Recently, the police in a nearby town uncovered a murder-for-hire plot by an inmate in the county jail who was enlisting the help of a fellow inmate to murder the man responsible for the guy’s incarceration. These were the instructions he gave to the would-be killer, “Wet him with gasoline; dry him with a match.” A pretty good line; right out of a Mickey Spillane novel. If this guy ever went straight, he might make it as a pulp fiction writer.
            Or how about this one? A few weeks ago, the police in my quiet little town were called to a
photo credit to funnyjunk.com
motel where a woman insisted they arrest her. She was hiding out from her ex-husband and current boyfriend who, according to the woman, were plotting to kill her. The cops explained they could not fulfill her wish because she hadn’t committed a crime. With a that’s-what-you-think attitude, she began pounding on the squad car’s windshield. When one of the officers tried to restrain her, she bit him on the leg. For the next few hours, the woman had the protection she’d requested.
            Or, here’s one; “Just say you’re sorry.” Several peopled complained about a homeless man who was causing a ruckus in a downtown square. The police arrived and realized the man was shouting profanities at someone only he could see. The cops told him to apologize to his imaginary friends. He did. End of story.
            Check your local police blotter. What strange tidbits can you share?
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11 comments:

Jean Henry Mead said...

I appreciate the humor, Kathleen. As a former police reporter married to a highway patrolman, I experienced a lot of funny occurences. I once reported on the largest drug bust in U.S. history at the California-Mexican border, which should have made the front page, but the editor decided instead to run an article I had written about a barking rooster, which served as a San Diego family's watch dog.

Kathleen Kaska said...

You must have had some exciting experiences, too. I guess your editor felt the rooster story was a bit safer.

Earl Staggs said...

Loved this post, Kathleen. The line "She bit the cop on the leg" would be a great opening line for a story. I may steal it someday.

Kaye George said...

These are terrific! We just started getting the paper where we live now and I'll start paying more attention to those.

Cindy Sample said...

My morning always begins with my cat on my lap and the newspaper in my hand (yes, I'm a news dinosaur). My favorite section contains reporting of offbeat crimes from all over the country, most too weird to even put in a book, but definitely laugh worthy. But I'm going to be on the lookout now for some inventive opening lines!

Kathleen Kaska said...

Hi Earl,
The line is yours. The one I love the most is "Wet him with gasoline and dry him with a match."

Kathleen Kaska said...

Kaye, I always thought the small town papers offered the best in bizarre, but the Seattle blotter writers are so subtly funny.

Mar Preston said...

Our mountain village has recently started publishing the Police Log. I read it avidly along with everybody else I suspect. I don't know if it's the writer or the people but it's so funny I've started saving them. Stranger than fiction.

Marilyn Meredith a.k.a. F. M. Meredith said...

I love stories like this--and some end up in my Rocky Bluff P.D. mysteries.

Marilyn Levinson said...

Kathleen,
Great post. I enjoyed the humor of your stories because so many crimes we read in the papers are sad and depressing. And some are so outrageous, we'd hesitate to include them in a book because readers would find them unbelievable.

Kathleen Kaska said...

Mar, I began keeping a file, too.