The Ethics of Murder

by Janis Patterson

I’ll admit it – I’m terrible. When people ask me what I do, I smile sweetly, give them my best grandmotherly twinkle and say in soft, mellifluous tones, “I kill people.” It’s a great shtick, makes them remember me and gives me an opening to talk about my writing and books.

But the act of killing is not lighthearted and shouldn’t be taken lightly. As mystery writers we are very dangerous people. We know how to get rid of people in so many ways it’s a wonder that anyone ever talks to us, let alone comes to visit. Still we continue to research and study and learn about ways to kill people, all the while trying to improve our books and our craft. What we must never forget is that there are people out there who care nothing about books or craft – they are interested in killing. For real.

But I can hear someone saying, “If we can find the information, why can’t they? Why should we be made responsible?”

Yes, they could find the same information, but the question is, would they? Perhaps they’re too stupid. Perhaps they’re too lazy or it’s too much work. Perhaps … any number of reasons. Maybe they will anyway. I’m just saying that mystery writers have an obligation not to help them.

So how do we have a story? Well, a lot of things are in our collective consciousness. Anyone knows that a gun or a knife will kill. Using one of them is generally pretty simple. Poisons are more problematic. We all know that arsenic kills, but as writers we don’t have to give out the product and brand name and how to get the arsenic out of it. We can outline a murder, but leave out a crucial step or two. We’re writing entertainment, not training manuals.

This is definitely a self-policing step, and sometimes we have to exercise self-control to use it. A couple of years ago The Husband and I went to the national NRA convention. (Fascinating and great fun!) Once there, a gun manufacturer was enthralled that I wrote mysteries and was most helpful about answering a couple of questions I had. Then he started telling me things – a few I’ve used in the intervening years – and one thing that absolutely horrified me.

This man told me how to commit a murder with a fairly large bullet and yet leave no ballistic trace. No rifling on the projectile. A completely clean and untraceable bullet. I found that fascinating, but I’ll never use it. It’s too simple and can be done by anyone – and leave no trace by which the murderer can be found. He was absolutely gleeful and was hinting about having his name in the book as a reference source. I thanked him for the information, told him I would never use it, and begged him not to tell anyone else. He was startled, but after I explained that such information could be used by criminals, I think he understood. How odd that he couldn’t see that for himself, but other people’s thought processes are often strange and inexplicable things.

Have I ever used this handy tidbit? No. Have I thought about it? Oh, yes – it’s one of my favorite fantasies. A book about an unprecedented and untraceable way of shooting someone and – if you’re the slightest bit smart – getting away with it. Boy, that’s a formula for an Edgar if I ever heard one.

But fantasies are nothing but between-the-ears dreams and of harm to no one. I have accepted my dream Edgar for that unwritten book several times, and enjoyed it thoroughly each time. If I were to use such a device in a real book, however, I would be on tenterhooks fearing to hear that it had been used in reality, and that I could not bear. It would make me at best an accomplice, at worst… well, something horrible that I don’t want to be. That’s why I’ll never use that tantalizing bit of information in a book – and why all mystery writers should be very careful what they write.

Tea and Poison

As Events Coordinator for SinC Nor Cal chapter, it's sometimes a challenge to come up with interesting and affordable events for our monthly meetings. My boyfriend Dave (who is very into the whole Sisters in Crime social scene) thought it would be fun to have a toxicologist as a speaker. I loved the idea and took it one step further; have the meeting at a teashop and discuss poison over tea and scones. The idea was met with enthusiasm by the rest of the SinC board members, so Dave and I set about trying to find both a location and a speaker for the April meeting.

I researched local tea shops and found The Secret Garden, a cute little teashop on Lincoln across from Golden Gate Park with a private cottage in back of the main restaurant that sounded perfect for our needs. The price was right and the selection of foods mouth watering.

Meanwhile Dave contacted the City of SF and a private forensics company in an effort to snag a toxicologist interested in telling a group of blood-thirsty writers and readers about the best way to get away with murder when poison is the weapon, but got no takers. Someone on the board had mentioned Tim Maleeny, author of the 2007 Macavity Award-winning story, "Till Death Do Us Part," for which Tim did a hell of a lot of research on various poisons. I contacted Tim and asked if he'd be our speaker in exchange for tea, scones and adulation. He agreed (we negotiated the number of scones and scantily clad fans) and we had our April meeting nailed down.

The event was a success, partly because of the food and service provided by the Secret Garden staff (I would recommend it highly for anyone looking for a nice venue for a private event; just be warned that the bathroom in the private cottage is labeled 'Little Princesses' and you must wade through a cornucopia of tiaras, tutus, hats, and glittery jewelry on hand for children's parties), which was excellent. Yes, it's kinda twee, but it's a tea house, so bone china with flowers, lace doilies, and an abundance of pink is pretty much to be expected.

The other factor that made the event so memorable was Tim Maleeny's charm, wit and humor as a speaker. The man is funny and intelligent, and his story, "Till Death Do Us Part," was a hoot. He read it out loud to start his presentation and also brought a bunch of books on poisons that are must haves for any mystery writer's library.

I won't say anything else about the story to avoid spoilers, other than to say I agree with this review from Book Fetish: "Till Death Do Us Part by Tim Maleeny was laugh out loud funny, in a perverse kind of way." I can't imagine a toxicologist being as entertaining as Tim's presentation, although I'm not ruling it out for next year.

My only regret about the Tea and Poison event is my failure to buy almond essence and slip it into a few cups of tea...just to see if anyone got the joke. Ah well. Next year.

Bump 'Em Off, Eh?

by Ben Small

We all know somebody we want to bump off. Maybe the woman who waited to get to the Exact Change toll booth today before rooting around for change. Or maybe the father who brought his six screaming kids to McDonald’s and parked them at the table next to me. I do not enjoy having to dodge flying fries while I’m trying to eat a Grease-Burger. Or what about the woman who sat next to me on my last flight? She weighed over three hundred, I’ll bet, and she’d doused herself in chemicals I’m sure the EPA have outlawed. Getting up ― no doubt so she could splash on more Skunk-Scent in the bathroom ― she rocked the seat ahead of her so hard, she gave the poor schlub sitting there whiplash. You can imagine my thoughts about her return.

Why not just bump these folks off before they become a menace to society… or more particularly… me?

The problem is: How do I get away with it? There was that famous Hitchcock play where the little ole lady bumped off her hubby with a frozen lamb shank, and then fed it to the investigating cops. But how many times can one get away with that? And how does one keep the lamb shank cold when on the road?

Last week, I spoke about the problems of using a gun. Sure, one can get around these problems. Use cotton gloves to load your bullets and fire the thing, wear long sleeve shirts, ear and eye protection, and use a drop-in barrel in a semi-auto. But that’s all so much trouble, and even so, somebody may still see or hear you plug the deceased.

Chester Campbell suggested a smudge pot. Would that be called a “Smudgeoning?” Chester, we need to explore that crime a little further. Jean suggested a bathtub drowning, but what if the offender is bigger or stronger than I am? I’m not into role reversal here. Trevanian used a credit card, but that’s close-up work – kinda messy. Charlie Chan once investigated a series of murders where the killer put venom on a needle which was inserted into a doorknob or vending machine slot, or something like that. But how practical is that, Charlie?

Maybe I need to get in touch with my feminine side. Lucrezia Borgia got a bad rep, I’m told, but she may have been on to something. I picked up Deadly Doses, a Writer’s Guide To Poisons, by Serita Deborah Stevens and Anne Klarner. Remind me not to have dinner with either of these ladies...

Seriously, a handbook of poisons should be on every murder writer’s bookshelf. All sorts of interesting info. And what could be better, if one truly has a murderous heart, but to sit and watch your target die an agonizing death? How fun! Pass the popcorn.

Deadly Poisons

By Jean Henry Mead

The discovery of poisons occurred when prehistoric tribes foraged for food; an often deadly experience, or what would later be known as Russian roulette. Primitive poison experts were people to be reckoned with, and they either served as tribal sorcerers or were burned at the stake, depending on whom they practiced.

Our first written accounts of poisonings are from the Roman era over 2,000 years ago, although the Chinese, Egyptians, Sumerians and Indians had practiced the art of poisoning for centuries. Cleopatra allegedly used her slaves and prisoners as guinea pigs while searching for the perfect suicidal poison. She tried belladonna and found that it killed quickly but was too painful for her own personal demise. She also tried an early form of strychnine but it caused facial distortions at death, so she chose instead the bite of an asp, a small African cobra, which produced a quick and painless death.

Those in some cultures were so afraid of being poisoned that they consumed gradual amounts of various poisons on a regular basis to build up their immunity to them. Dorothy L. Sayers, in her book, Strong Poisons, had her villain doing just that, as did Alexander Dumas in The Count of Monte Cristo.

Food tasters were employed by most royals. If they survived, after sampling each dish, the king would consent to eat his meal. The job must have paid well, or a steady stream of prisoners were employed against their will.

The use of poison-tipped arrows during the Renaissance period paved the way for modern pharmacology. Drugs such as astropine, digitalis and ouabain evolved from plant concoctions used for killing both people and animals. And we now know that thousands of people are killed each year with current pharmaceutical prescriptions.

The Roman Borgia family of the fifteen century was a dynasty of poisoners, according to Serita Deborah Stevens in her book, Deadly Doses. If Casare Borgia were offended by something someone said, the unsuspecting person was invited to attend a party and would leave seriously ill or in the back of a mortician’s wagon. Borgia's poison of choice was arsenic, the favorite of assassins of that era.

Bernard Serturner isolated morphine from opium in 1805, but the formal study of poisons began with Claude Bernard, a physiologist, who researched the effects of curare, a South American poison the Indians used to tip their arrows. Chemical analysis could detect most mineral compounds by 1830, although not organic poisons. By 1851, a Belgian chemist discovered the technique of extracting alkaloid poisons while investigating a homicide caused by nicotine, a very deadly poison. Jean Servais Stas was the first to isolate nicotine from postmortem tissue.

The use of poison as a means of murder declined when modern methods of detection were perfected and physicians began saving many of its victims.