The Cutesy Crazies, or The Quirky Plague

                                                                                                                                   by Janis Patterson 

I like cozy mysteries - admittedly more the traditional kind (amateur sleuth, real world, adults who act like adults, lack of gratuitous sex or violence) than the currently trendy kind (talking animals, ‘cute’ jobs, ditzy heroines with shoe fetishes, witches and paranormal abilities, etc.) I do read both kinds though, as well as an occasional noir or hard-boiled one just for a little bit of variety. 

 However, like too much sugar or salt can ruin a dish and make it unpalatable I am noticing a disturbing trend in the ‘new’ cozy tales, namely a blatantly advertised cast of ‘quirky’ characters. 

 Now everyone has (or should have) at least one quirky person in their lives, if for no other reason to give them a laugh or at least make them appreciate the sanity of everyone else. When an entire village, or apartment house, or island or whatever physical location of the story is populated with nothing but quirky characters - and they are touted as one of the desirable draws of said location - I begin to feel that this is not so much a place of mystery as an open-air asylum. 

 You know the type I’m talking about - the grandmother who habitually crawls out windows because she wants to avoid the nosy neighbors. The heroine who puts herself into a known and extreme danger without a compelling reason, just curiosity. The cat/dog/horse/mongoose who not only investigates the crime but generally solves it, though it generally gives the credit to the heroine. Sometimes they even talk. 

And while I enjoy an occasional ghost story, the mysteries where the ghost becomes a helpful partner in investigating the crime, or a coven (or several) of witches solve crimes through their magic powers or just about anything like that can make a book fly headfirst into the garbage can. Don’t let me get started on shapeshifters or other magical entities... my thoughts on them are not suitable for public pixilation! I know many many people like all of these kinds of characters - they have to, or there wouldn’t be so many of them - but I don’t. Those of you who do, I wish you good fortune and much joy of them. I just won’t be joining you. 

 The most ubiquitous offense to my mind is the stupidity of these quirky characters. Some of them do things and say things that would get them arrested at the least and institutionalized at the worst, and with no visible reason other than they have to do it in order to further the story. And that, unfortunately, crosses the line from plotting/character preference into the realm of bad writing. I am a firm believer that characters shape the storyline - the storyline doesn’t dictate the characters. 

 So, to keep from appearing a total grump, I guess I should tell you what I do like. Real people, understandable people, people like you could meet at the store or church or live next door to, who are suddenly and irrevocably thrown into an extraordinary situation which they feel they must investigate either to save themselves or someone/thing that they love, or (depending on their character) to prevent a miscarriage of justice. Yes, there still are people like that. Perhaps they are nosy more than being involved, but asking a few questions of people is different from beginning the investigation by breaking into a deserted factory at midnight. And yes, these stories can have humor, but it is a real, organic humor that grows out of the situation rather than the author visibly thinking, “I need to put a laugh in here, so So-And-So has to do something quirky.” (I admit that is an exaggeration, but not much of one...) 

 I have a dear friend of many years, a lovely, accomplished and very intelligent lady who will not read anything which does not make her laugh. No matter the author, no matter the location, it has to be a cozy mystery, but if it doesn’t make her laugh out loud in the first five pages out it goes. I don’t understand that and think she is missing out on a boatload of good stories, but that is her parameter of reading pleasure, so joy go with her. Needless to say, we have agreed on the merits of very few novels. 

 So perhaps the best definition of what I like are scenarios in which I can picture myself or my friends being caught in and how we handle things which are to us totally alien - and none of us are ‘quirky.’ 

 At least, not much.

Virtual friends, real and imagined.

When I was in first grade, I met Zandy. She lived two streets away from me and we were best friends. We had sleepovers, rode our bikes together, and went to the corner store together for penny candy. Yep, I’m telling my age here.

Zandy and I swore we’d be friends forever, but then my mom moved the family from the suburban neighborhood I loved to a farm on forty acres. No kids my age lived within a full square mile, even if my mom would have allowed me to ride my bike that far.

Today, my friendships are cemented virtually.  I get to meet people on line and have them turn into my besties. Laura Bradford is one of those people I met on line. She was part of The Good Girls Kill for Money blog and I won a book Laura had as a giveaway. Instead of her mailing the book, we agreed to meet for lunch. And our friendship was born.

Now that she lives four or five states over, we’ve kept in touch through email, Facebook, the occasional phone call and annual face to face meet ups. And when we do get together, it’s like no time has passed.

I’ve lost track of Zandy, but just last year, a friend from high school found me on Facebook. Brad was the goofy kid who loved life and loved to laugh. We were band kids. We were all Tolkien geeks, believing that the world followed the same rules for good and evil. It was great catching up with him but seeing him as an adult? It’s kind of crazy.

I’ve met many people (virtually) in the last few years that when we finally meet in person, it’s like we’ve been friends forever. For me, I’m loving the social part of the social media part of being a writer. Maybe that’s why I’m so comfortable writing about my imaginary friends who live in South Cove. I’m used to not meeting real people except on my computer. Who’s to say my made up worlds aren’t as real as the internet one I visit daily?

Have you developed friendships on the internet? 

A Good Time Was Had by All!

I’ve done signings where I’ve sold more books, but none have been quite as special as this one. There are several reasons.

First, I have a three book contract for the Fat Cat mysteries, writing as Janet Cantrell. The first book came out last September, 2014. We had moved from Texas, where I had lots of writing contacts, and I didn’t do a signing for it. It sold well anyway (national bestseller on two lists, Barnes & Noble and Bookscan), but I missed doing a signing. So this was my first signing as Janet Cantrell, for the second in the series, FAT CAT SPREADS OUT.

Second, this was a new first for me. I was asked to do this signing by the store! I went in to sign the stock of FAT CAT AT LARGE, the first book, last fall. As I was signing the books at the information desk, I was asked if I’d like to do a signing when the second one came out. I didn’t fall over, but felt like it. The Barnes & Noble here is not open for a signing at all, so I assumed maybe no one did local author signings in this town. However, Books A Million not only offered this signing, but wants me to come back when the third book comes out.

Third, the people who showed up were special. Neyland’s grandparents were there from Nashville. They used to own Mysteries and more until December, I believe. Neyland is one of my biggest fans, according to his mommy, Mary Ann Fisher. She sent me a picture of him reading my first book and promised to send one of him reading the book Greg and Mary Bruss bought last Saturday.

Another person I was glad to see was Dawn Frazier, who has been an online fan of the books and lives near.

Then there was the staff. I couldn’t have asked for nicer people! Rachel and Will each bought a book and looked after me and my husband while we were there.

I’m so glad I’ll be going back in March!

What happens after the book's written?

Writing a book is hard work. Lots of time alone in front  of a computer, crafting out characters, making sure your plot holds together. And when you're done, the editing process starts.

Many authors use beta readers to check out the story. Or they have critique partners who will tell them that it's great, but the first three chapters have to be re-written. If you're self publishing, you might hire a developmental editor at this point to flush out the flaws.

Traditionally published authors call these developmental edits and my editor does a great job of letting me know what worked, and what she felt could need some polish.

Your time's free so you start writing another book.

Then the first book comes home and you spend another block of time revising and editing what didn't work. You put book #2 aside and dive back into book #1.

You send book #1 off again, this time for copy edits, and you return to writing book #2, where you just get into the story, when book #1 comes back for page proofs.

Sighing this time, you set book #2 regretfully aside, as you're really loving the story and are connected to your characters, and read through the pages trying to catch every typo, formating issue, or just plain misused word.

After obsessing for a large block of time, you send the page proofs back. And try to get back into book #2 which you left off in the sagging middle, so your momentum is shot.

But you find the spark again, and you're just getting into the swing, when your publicist sends you a list of original blog posts she needs to promote book #1 which releases next month.

Sigh.

It's a wonder any book ever gets written.

But the good news, it does. And it gets releases. And after all that work, you get reader email saying how they read the book in a weekend, loved it, and when's the next one coming out?

For fans of the Tourist Trap mysteries, the answer is this month. June 23rd is release day for Dressed to Kill.

Jill Gardner—owner of Coffee, Books, and More in the tucked-away town of South Cove, California—is not particularly thrilled to be portraying a twenties flapper for the dinner theater murder mystery. Though it is for charity…

Of course everyone is expecting a “dead” body at the dress rehearsal…but this one isn’t acting! It turns out the main suspect is the late actor’s conniving girlfriend Sherry…who also happens to be the ex-wife of Jill’s main squeeze. Sherry is definitely a master manipulator…but is she a killer? Jill may discover the truth only when the curtain comes up on the final act…and by then, it may be far too late.

New release alert... If the Shoe Kills by Lynn Cahoon

Hey peeps,

As you read this, I'm at the day job, my last day for a while. I'm having surgery tomorrow, so if I don't post a response to your comment, give me a few days... I'll be back, better than ever.

"We can make you faster, stronger..."

The sale job on the Bionic Woman had the wrong focus. It was fine for Steve Majors, but the female side needs better promises. They should have said, "We can make you taller, skinnier, funnier..."

Anyway, on to the good news... IF THE SHOE KILLS released November 10th (insert Kermit flail here...) (No, seriously, I don't have the gif, so if you do, post our green friend into the comments.

And, I'm an official dot.com. Check out the website at www.lynncahoon.com :)

See you all next month.

If the Shoe Kills

The tourist town of South Cove, California, is a lovely place to spend the holidays. But this year, shop owner Jill Gardner discovers there’s no place like home for homicide. . .

As owner of Coffee, Books, and More, Jill Gardner looks forward to the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers. But when the mayor ropes her into being liaison for a new work program, 'tis the season to be wary. Local businesses are afraid the interns will be delinquents, punks, or worse. For Jill, nothing’s worse than Ted Hendricks--the jerk who runs the program. After a few run-ins, Jill’s ready to kill the guy. That, however, turns out to be unnecessary when she finds Ted in his car--dead as a doornail. Officer Greg assumes it’s a suicide. Jill thinks it’s murder. And if the holidays weren’t stressful enough, a spoiled blonde wants to sue the city for breaking her heel. Jill has to act fast to solve this mess--before the other shoe drops. . .

"Murder, dirty politics, pirate lore, and a hot police detective: Guidebook to Murder has it all! A cozy lover’s dream come true." --Susan McBride, author of The Debutante Dropout Mysteries

What is a Cozy Mystery?

Recently, I was a panelist with the LA Chapter of Sisters in Crime and our topic was "Getting Cozy with Sisters in Crime."

 As we gathered and got acquainted.
l-r: Ellen Byron (Moderator)
Lisa Seidman
Tammy Kaehler
Marilyn aka F. M. Meredith

We first tackled the question, just what is a cozy anyway?

 Our answer was a mystery with a non-professional sleuth, living in a small town, probably has a cat, and has some interesting hobby, there is no cussing, on scene violence or sex.

None of us fit the criteria exactly.

Ellen Byron who is a TV writer, playwright and journalist has a first mystery called Realty Check.

Tammy Kaehler's career is in marketing and technical writing--and she now has two books in her Kate Reilly Racing mystery series, Dead Man's Switch and Braking Point. Avoidable Contact is coming soon. Learn more at http://www.tammykaehler.com

Lisa Seidaman is also a TV writer and her novel, Killer Ratings is a novel about murder behind the scenes of a television series. (She's written for numerous TV shows and won Emmy Awards for her work on Days of our Lives and the Young and the Restless.

Holly West is the author of the Mistress of Fortune series set in the late 17th century with a fortune teller sleuth, a mistress to King Charles II.  Mistress of Fortune will be followed by Mistress of Lies.

Here we are again, only this time Holly West has joined us.

The general consensus among us all was that none of our books actually fit the criteria for a cozy.

(Though both my series are set in small towns, the sleuths are professionals.)

It didn't matter, the audience had a great time and so did we.

This was the largest audience I've ever seen at a library event like this.

Marilyn aka F. M. Meredith

Mission to Murder Blog tour winding down...

Actually the tour ends today and it's been an amazing week (plus) to welcome my new book officially into the world.

In the California coastal town of South Cove, history is one of its many tourist attractions—until it becomes deadly…

Jill Gardner, proprietor of Coffee, Books, and More, has discovered that the old stone wall on her property might be a centuries-old mission worthy of being declared a landmark. But Craig Morgan, the obnoxious owner of South Cove’s most popular tourist spot, The Castle, makes it his business to contest her claim. When Morgan is found murdered at The Castle shortly after a heated argument with Jill, even her detective boyfriend has to ask her for an alibi. Jill decides she must find the real murderer to clear her name. But when the killer comes for her, she’ll need to jump from historic preservation to self-preservation …

Excerpt - Some people like to hear their own voice. That jewel of wisdom hit me as I filled the coffee carafes for the third time. As chamber liaison, I’d volunteered my shop, Coffee, Books, and More, to serve as semi-permanent host site for South Cove’s Business Basics meeting. The early morning meeting was scheduled to run from seven to nine but the clock over the coffee bar showed it was already twenty minutes past. With more items to cover on the agenda, we’d be ordering lunch, maybe dinner, before the end.

All because the newest committee member, Josh Thomas, owner of the new antiques store down the street, had issues. He didn’t like the agenda, the city’s promotion plan, and he especially didn’t like the fact the city didn’t have a formal animal control office. These subjects were not part of the regular list of discussion topics for the eclectic mix of owners of gift shops, art galleries, inns, and restaurants. I usually loved feeling the creative energy and listening to wacky ideas members brought to the table. Today, the meeting droned on and I couldn’t wait for it to end.

                “I wonder why he even moved here,” Aunt Jackie fake-whispered to me as she sliced a second cheesecake. “He hates everything.”

                “Hush.” I elbowed my aunt, trying to quiet her.

                “Jill Gardner, don’t tell me you weren’t thinking the same thing.” She started plating out the cheesecake.           

                A couple of the council members snickered, and Josh’s face turned a deeper red than normal. His wide girth barely fit into the black suit he wore. From what I could tell, he wore the same threadbare suit every day. Watching the buttons on his off-white shirt, I worried one would pop off each time he took a labored breath.

                “As I was saying, we must press the police department to deal with felonious teenagers running the streets.” Josh didn’t acknowledge he’d heard Jackie, a tactic I’ve often used with my aunt. She’s overbearing, opinionated, speaks her mind, and I love her to death.

                “There’s no problem.” Sadie Michaels replied, the words harsh and clipped. “There’s not a lot for kids to do around here, so they hang out at the park. They don’t cause problems for local businesses. We’ve raised them better than that.”

                “I beg to differ. Craig Morgan, the manager over at The Castle, has caught kids breaking in after-hours. They've been having drinking parties, swimming in the pools, and he’s even caught a few couples in the mansion’s bedrooms, doing heavens knows what.” Snickers from the rest of the members floated around the room as Josh wheezed in another breath. “We must stop these criminals before there’s real trouble. The antiques housed at The Castle are priceless.”

Links –

Amazon - http://www.amazon.com/Mission-Murder-Tourist-Trap-Mystery-ebook/dp/B00IO3QR98/

Nook - http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/mission-to-murder-lynn-cahoon/1118882337?ean=9781601832399&itm=1&usri=lynn+cahoon

Goodreads -http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5857424.Lynn_Cahoon

Twitter - https://twitter.com/LynnCahoon

Facebook -https://www.facebook.com/LynnCahoonAuthor

website - http://lynncahoon.wordpress.com/

Amazon author page - http://www.amazon.com/Lynn-Cahoon/e/B0082PWOAO/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

How Big Is Too Big?

by Janis Patterson

I’m a Texan, so ‘bigger is better’ is part of my DNA… but, I’m discovering, only up to a point.

A week or two ago I was lucky enough to go to the final George Strait concert. The Husband is a rabid fan and I like him, too, which is rare for me and country singers. We knew this was going to be An Event, but nothing could have prepared us for what happened.

The concert was held in the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, the same place where the Cowboys play football. It’s roughly the size of a small European country. Just getting to the parking lot was a trial – a journey that should have taken no more than 45 minutes took over 2 ½ hours – the last 20 minutes of which were spent going about 20 feet so we could turn into our parking lot. We were shuttled to the stadium, then frisked and wanded by security (no purses or backpacks allowed unless they were transparent) before we were allowed to enter the building.

After standing in line for 45 minutes plus for the privilege of paying $35 each for t-shirts, we finally started the trek to our seats. I tell you, maneuvering through a crowd like that gives me new respect for salmon!

We had very decent seats – second balcony, second row. Down on the playing field there were about 1,000 folding chairs set up (and packed!) around the revolving stage on the 50 yard line on which these little ½ inch tall people performed. Yes, it was that far away. I wonder if the people up in the gods could even see the stage!

Not to worry, though – I doubt if there was a seat in the place that didn’t have a direct sightline to at least one of the multitude of tv screens. Yes, multitude, and in all sizes. The biggest appeared to have just about the same square footage as a 70s tract home. So – we had our choice – anything from a ½ inch George Strait on stage all the way up to a George Strait face the size of Godzilla on a tv screen.

I love music, and love to hear all the nuances of it. Good luck there. The sound system was cranked up so high that the sound was hopelessly distorted. It had to be that way, I guess, because of the crowd. I can understand – somewhat – the screaming during applause, but for the life of me I cannot see why people pay the equivalent of a fairly good-sized car payment for a seat to hear an artist and then scream while he’s singing. It makes no sense. It does, however, make headaches.

All of that was cream, however, compared to getting out of the place. We had maps of the area and had plotted a reasonable way of getting out and getting home. Good luck! The police had blocked off streets seemingly at random and sent clogged lines of cars off in torturous directions. We rebelled, and as soon as we could get off the main street we dodged through secondary and tertiary streets until we finally found the southern interstate. This route took us approximately 20 miles out of the way, but traffic there was moving, and there was a much smaller chance of being surrounded by a bunch of concert drunks. Yes, the beer (small - $8) and the margaritas ($15) were flowing freely. Two couples in the row ahead of us had at least 6 margaritas apiece. (I think those were the prices – we didn’t buy any!)

So what does this have to do with writing?

The concert was all out of proportion. The charm of country music is the words (which were lost in the noise) and the music (distorted) and the down-home folksy ambiance (in a concert with a record 104,7?? attendees? Come on…) As in so much of life, it – and we – have lost the human proportion.

Think about it. Most thrillers aren’t about people, they’re about nations and giant corporations and saving/destroying the world. Yes, usually there’s a lone hero who is either an impossibly perfect standard of beauty and bravery with knowledge of just about everything (Jack Bauer, anyone?), or an impossibly average man who rises to the call and eventually reaches an impossibly perfect standard. He’s usually at least good-looking, too. In both mysteries and thrillers there is all too often what I call a Moriarity villain – each time he is vanquished he manages to get away, escaping things that would annihilate a normal person and coming back again and again until it becomes both excruciating and ridiculous. Think Red John on The Mentalist. I personally call it lazy writing.

One of the reasons romance is so popular is that it is human-sized – one man, one woman, a happy ending. Cozy mysteries, too – normal people solving a normal-sized crime in a normal world. These storylines are something to which most people can relate. Country-gobbling corporations or nations setting to enslave the world are – for me at least – too big. I can’t become emotionally or empathetically involved in something set to such a gargantuan scale.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for such large-stage fiction. Or, for that matter, gigantic, record-breaking concerts. Some people enjoy it. I just hate to see it become so prevalent that it sometimes threatens to choke off less strident and overreaching stories.

Or am I all wrong? No matter. I’ll still take things – concerts, storylines or whatever – that are human-scaled.